


you make me want to be human again

by gracelessnight



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: F/F, we are FOCUSING on their love, we are IGNORING the sterling arresting her father storyline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:33:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26401963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracelessnight/pseuds/gracelessnight
Summary: Sterling is brave in a way she’s not.April has always known. She ugly cried her way through Adele Meisner, ate her weight in ice cream after Julia Smalls, and broke three dishes over Heather Phillips.(She won’t tell Sterling this but after their friendship ended in the fifth grade, she set fire to multiple American Girl dolls.)--my take on what happens after the lock-in, april's subsequent meltdowns, their tenous college relationship and their possible reunion??
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 59
Kudos: 380





	1. Chapter 1

Sterling is brave in a way she’s not. 

April has always known. She ugly cried her way through Adele Meisner, ate her weight in ice cream after Julia Smalls, and broke three dishes over Heather Phillips. 

(She won’t tell Sterling this but after their friendship ended in the fifth grade, she set fire to multiple American Girl dolls.) 

After the sixth or seventh friendship that ended tragically, April decided to just pre-emptively shut things down if she felt any inkling of a feeling. None of them had ever shown interest in her that way, calling her clingy and too intense towards the end. A girl can only take so much. 

Her mom noted her fleeting friends one day over dinner, laughing about how it seemed like no one was good enough for April. Her stomach clenched. It was the other way around actually; she’d never been enough for them and it turns out Team Stevens was never enough for her dad either. It was a vicious cycle of self-loathing and blame. April couldn’t help but start to reflect that outwardly. She felt bad sometimes but nobody was there to stop her, nobody was there to show her any other way to deal with the heft of emotions she’d be given. 

So when Sterling kisses her, it numbs her at first. She can’t believe it, won’t believe it. It’s just a cruel trick mean Sterling is pulling yet again but when Sterling starts bumbling out apologies, her heart stops. It wasn’t all in her head, the looks and the touches. She’s been beating herself up for years, telling herself to stop reading into these things so much. 

April feels unlovable but when Sterling shows up at the arcade and outright tells her that she like-likes her, something comes up. April is too afraid to call it hope. 

\--

“Maybe someday, though?”

“Maybe. Actually, I don’t know.”

Sterling gets back with Luke for exactly two weeks and then breaks up with him for good, combining the big news with another surprise, she’s in the blue-pink-purple part of the community! 

“I’ve already been ridiculed for one sin; I might as well just put them all out there,” April overhears Sterling say in class. Blair grins and holds her hand out for Sterling to slap and April flinches when she hears the connect.

There’s the usual mocking, the freezing out, and the pointing behind her back at first, all April had initially feared. There is a small group of parents that march to Ellen and demand something be done about this flagrant, sinful behavior but Ellen can only do so much. She pulls Sterling aside, sternly telling her she can’t flaunt her “private matters” in school anymore. Sterling nods, grateful this is the only repercussion but as she turns to leave, Ellen reaches out with a kind smile and gives her arm a gentle squeeze. Eventually, the noise dies down then comes the quiet acceptance. There is always bigger gossip to fish for and bigger targets to shame at Willingham. 

(It helps that Luke makes a loud declaration at lunch that he’ll have a _word_ with anyone who has anything negative to say about Sterling.)

Sterling even puts a streak of blue in her hair, looking triumphant striding through the halls. Blair gets a matching red one and they look unstoppable. Ezequiel compliments her hair in passing and she instinctively berates him for it, kicking herself the minute she sees Sterling’s face fall.

April can’t help but feel a burning jealousy about the whole situation. Once again, Sterling gets to have it all. She has the perfect family and grades, that stupidly pretty face (and her perfect half up, half down hair) and she gets to be herself. She’s brave enough to be herself, something that still seems so intangible to April. 

\--

When April hears rumors that Sterling is seeing a girl from another school, she stays home for three days with a stomachache. 

Of course, Sterling would move on. Of course, someone else would see how beautiful, earnest and good she is and want to lock it down immediately. She doesn’t even know if it’s true, she doesn’t want to know if it’s true, but the thought of Sterling with someone else sends her under her covers, clutching Sergeant Bilko and a bag of Doritos.

Her parents come in and check on her. Her mom strokes her hair and asks her what’s wrong but April only feints sickness. 

She overhears them talking one of those nights, the door slightly ajar.

“Do you think it’s boy problems?” Her mom asks. “April has never missed this much school ever, even when she had appendicitis.”

“Oh sure, I hope so. April needs a man to keep her on the straight and narrow when she goes to college,” her dad exclaims. “Much like I did you!” 

Her parents laugh and April only burrows tighter. 

At some point, she falls asleep and wakes up to a few worried texts. Five from Hannah B, two from Ezequiel, and her fingers still when she sees one from Sterling.

_Hey. Hope you’re okay._

April sees a text bubble and drops the phone. Knowing Sterling is presently on the other side of the phone is.. not helpful. 

_I mean I’m still mad at you but I don’t want you to die._

Another text bubble. It stays up for a few seconds but goes away. 

April sits up, for the first time in hours, pushing the blankets aside. She types a lengthy apology in her Notes app and then deletes it. She debates on just like reacting the messages but even she knows that’s a heartless move. She spends a solid hour thinking about what she could even say.

 _Hey, thanks for checking in. I’m feeling awful because I heard you have a girlfriend and I don’t want you to date anyone else but me but my parents will disown me and I don’t have many legs to stand on anymore so I’m just lonely and afraid_. 

Idiot.

April doesn’t respond but she does look at the text every now and then because it means Sterling still cares. Even after April treated her like, frankly, shit, she still cares about her. 

\--

April compartmentalizes all the way to senior year. She continues to run Fellowship, kicks Charlie Wu’s butt at the next debate tournament, joins Mission club (and leaves the Straight-Straight alliance because of “familial issues”), and physically and academically drags Ezequiel and Hannah B over the graduation line. 

She and Sterling occasionally catch each other’s eyes in class or in the hall but April shoves it away, deep into the recess of her brain. Organized thinking is great for staying in the closet.

Keeping busy keeps her mind off of Sterling. It keeps her away from her dad whose presence and excuses are welcomed by the rest of her family but April doesn’t forget. 

It all pays off when she’s clutching an acceptance letter to Wellesley College, trying to find the words to express how _relieved_ she feels. This is her way out. 

(“An all women’s liberal college, darling? Are you sure?” Her dad inquires, looking at her curiously. 

April looks at anywhere but him. 

“God preaches about loving all, being on the leftist coast will help me with the mission and anyways I don’t need boys to distract me from my studies,” April replies sweetly, plastering a smile on her face. 

“Oh, how did we end up with such a hardworking girl like you?” Her mom grins, hugging her with one arm and sending out a mass text to her friends with the other. She’s been trying to get back into their good graces for months. 

April shrugs it off and her dad doesn’t take his eyes off of her.)

\--

April finds herself at Hannah G’s graduation party, the last of the summer. Her parents went on a couples golf/hunting trip so they’ve vacated the premises and watching two hundred and fifty God-loving teenagers getting drunk for the first time is kind of hilarious. At first, nobody wants to risk the neatly packed table of hard seltzers and wine coolers but Blair, of course, makes a rousing and frankly inspiring speech about this being the last day their parents will have a hold on them and that God wouldn’t have allowed Jesus to turn water into wine if he didn’t like alcohol and there begins a quiet trickle to the beverages. 

She’s holding a wine cooler that Ezequiel thrusts into her hand with a grossly close whisper, “You gotta let loose, April. Let your hair breathe!” April appeases him with a tiny sip, and no more than that because she is nothing if not responsible, and he cheers. 

He and Hannah B try to convince her to join them for the “saintly” game of Seven Minutes in Heaven happening in the living room (The school’s approved version involved the two chosen to go into the chapel and pray for seven minutes, she assumes this is not what they have in mind) but she shrugs them off, the wine cooler dripping in her hand. 

So April sits by the pool, dipping her feet in the water as music plays in the background. She notices Blair in one room, standing on a table and belting “Livin’ On A Prayer” with Luke. She’s so distracted by Blair’s surprisingly good voice that she doesn’t see the person next to her until Sterling sits down but she doesn’t have to look to know it’s her; she’d recognize that vanilla scent anywhere. 

“Ooh, it’s cold,” Sterling yelps quietly, sticking her feet into the water.

“Yeah but it’s nice,” April replies, moving her feet around. Sterling smiles and they sit like that for a little, creating tiny ripples in the pool. 

“So Wellesley, huh?”

“How do you-”

“Your mom told my mom who told me. We live in a pretty small place, you know?”

April makes a sound in agreement. She knows how small this community is; she knows how quickly word can spread.

Sterling leans over and raises an eyebrow, “I’d say congratulations are in order. And an all-girls college?” 

April nervously laughs, looking down and playing with the damp sticker on her bottle. “It wasn’t part of the master plan but God has a way of seeing things through.”

Sterling nods in agreement, taking advantage of the pause to drink from her seltzer.

April realizes this might be one of the last times she sees Sterling for a while and it’s hard to even imagine a life without her having known her since kindergarten so she just blurts out, “Sterling, I’m sorry.” 

Sterling only furrows her brows at her apology, tucking some hair behind her hair. She opens her mouth to respond but decides against it, waiting for April to continue. 

“I’m sorry for being… an asshole at the lock-in.”

Sterling shakes her head, “No, I was the asshole. I was trying to force you to be with me when you clearly weren’t comfortable. I shouldn’t have pressured you. If I had just been more patient,” she trails off. 

April startles at this. The thought that Sterling felt that she had anything to do with this situation pained her. She turns, putting her hand on Sterling’s hand before quickly extracting it, remembering where she is, remembering who they are. 

“I wasn’t ready. It’s not your fault. My parents, they have always just complicated the situation. You were perfect.” 

Sterling raises an eyebrow at that statement.

April laughs, “Okay, you’re a pushover, you’re annoyingly optimistic and unfortunately, Blair is your other half.” 

Sterling shoves her and April has to clutch the side of the pool with her free hand to catch her balance. 

“Absolutely not, do not push me in, Sterling Wesley,” April tries to sternly say, hiding her smile. She forgot how easily wrapped up with Sterling she can get. “I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have flirted with Luke like that in front of you and I should’ve, I owed you a longer conversation at least.” 

Sterling pauses for a moment and murmurs a ‘well, thank you.’

Silence. 

April opens her mouth to say something, anything but is cut off by a loud cheer coming from the house. They both look up to see Blair and Lorna high-fiving, having crushed the men’s golf team in beer pong. April is almost impressed with the speed in which Blair is getting through this party. 

April knows her chance has passed. It started and ended with that conversation on the bench, but she wants to be friendly with Sterling. For all the years April spent hating her, she didn’t realize how good she’d feel being in her orbit again. 

“So... how are things going with the girl from Marietta?” April doesn’t actually want to hear about it but this is what friends do, right? 

“Have you been keeping tabs on me, April Stevens?”

“No- no, I uh, no. I just,” April starts sputtering, she can feel the back of her neck turning red. “As Fellowship leader, I think it’s important to keep an eye on the student body.”

Sterling just laughs, rolling her eyes. She pauses to take another sip and then shrugs.

“We uh- we broke up actually.”

April’s heart stops for a second, warmth flooding her chest but she quickly rearranges her face to look sad. 

“Georgie was great,” Sterling starts. “Blair actually really liked her,” (April has to suppress an eye roll) “but it just didn’t work out. It wasn’t… the same,” she trails off. 

“Oh.” April has to remember to take a breath, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure you are, sworn enemy.” Sterling teases. 

“No seriously, I’m.. I know I didn’t take the news well at first,” Sterling looks over at her curiously but April keeps going, “but you deserve to be able to hold hands with someone you love; To sleep side by side at a stupid school function if you want to.” 

Sterling kicks at the water and says under her breath, so softly April has to lean a little to hear it, “I didn’t think you cared.”

The statement unsettles April. She knows the distance she put between them, that they both unspokenly agreed to, but she didn’t realize that Sterling felt that April didn’t care anymore when it was literally the exact opposite. April cared too much for someone who no longer had any claim to Sterling.

“Of course I did. I still care about, you know, your general well-being.”

“Oh well, yeah that’s important.” Sterling sarcastically retorts. 

April looks down, fiddling with her fingers. 

“I don’t like seeing you sad, Sterling.” 

She can feel Sterling turn to look at her and she does _not_ turn back because those annoyingly blue eyes can see straight through her soul and April has not spent two years building these walls back up for nothing.

April wants to diffuse the tension and is about to make a joke about the men’s golf team really not having a grasp on their balls when Sterling starts laughing. 

April looks at her bewildered and Sterling just laughs even harder, clutching her side. 

“Am I missing something?”

Sterling snorts, wiping the tears from her eyes. “April Stevens, have you been _yearning_ for me?” 

April pauses as Sterling continues to laugh. What?

So she echoes the sentiment, “What?”

Sterling still laughing, leans over and dramatically (and a little drunkenly) whispers, “You think your organized thinking hides your emotions but I know you. You still want to cleave to me.”

April knows Sterling is making fun of her now but her gut reaction to vulnerability is to get as far away as possible so she pushes, her hand slapping Sterling’s arm. 

A little too hard apparently (April smugly thanks her trainer) and Sterling flops into the pool, shrieking and sputtering as she resurfaces. She’s not laughing anymore but seeing Sterling in a state of mess makes April start laughing. She goes to wipe a tear when she feels her legs being dragged and suddenly she’s in the water with Sterling. 

They both stare at each other for a second before bursting into laughter, pushing water and chasing each other around the pool. 

Eventually, they both become breathless and the silence stretches.

(In a perfect world, this is where they would reunite and kiss but April knows a burned bridge when she sees one and is thankful she’s made it across this far without falling.)

Sterling pushes up and starts to float on her back, slapping the water beside her. 

April quirks her eyebrow and Sterling sighs, “I’m trying to have a moment here.” 

“Okay,” April concedes, joining her on her back and they both just lay there watching the stars for a bit. 

“Isaiah 43:2”

April smirks, “You actually remembered.” 

“I mean you _were_ blackmailing me at the time.”

“Yeah, I’m still sorry about that.” 

“It’s okay. If I hadn’t stepped down then I wouldn’t have broken up with Luke and wouldn’t have become.. friends with you again.” Sterling smiles, "You're a part of God’s plan for me.” 

“I’ve missed you, April.” 

April feels Sterling’s hand close over hers and tugs her over so they’re floating side by side. This is what she was so afraid of? 

“I’ve missed you too, Sterling.”

The moment is broken when someone spots them in the pool and yells, “Pool party!” which results in a bunch of teenagers rushing towards them at a frightening speed.

Sterling goes to separate their hands but April tightens her grip.

She doesn’t let go and she feels brave. 

\--

April finally makes it to Massachusetts. 

Her parents drop her off and before they go, they grab lunch in town. She notices a couple at the table to the right of them, a lesbian couple. Before she can even process it, their comfort and ease, her dad mutters _dykes_ under his breath and her mom shushes him lest he cause a scene. April just pushes her food around more intently, counting down the hours until her parents leave. 

She knows that people in the North have a lot of prejudgments about Southerners but that doesn’t stop her from proudly wearing her cross and openly debating with her classmates. 

(“She’s like a more religious, gayer Ainsley Hayes,” she hears someone whisper behind her at a lecture. The other person responds, “Yeah, it’s actually kind of hot.” April has to hide her laugh.)

She’s a gay Christian from the South and she’s not ashamed of it. 

A few weeks into classes, she gets a text on her way to her Comparative Religious Literature class and she has to juggle multiple books onto one hand to reach into her pocket. 

From Sterling Wesley: 

_Saw this tiny blue poisonous frog in my biology textbook and thought of you!_

A photo of Sterling posing cheek to cheek with the textbook is attached and April opens it, the goofiest grin plastered on her face. 

That someday seems more real than ever before.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not a teenage romance scene if there isn't a pool involved! 
> 
> i apologize for any and all grammatical/spelling errors and also how slightly disjointed this is. i just had a series of scenes pop into my head and used the thinnest of strings to tie them together and anyways i hope you enjoy it!!! feel free to shout your feelings at me!


	2. Chapter 2

So April and Sterling are friends now.

Friends is a loose term for what they are but there isn’t a term in the English dictionary for there’s-definitely-still-tension-here-but-we-live-on-opposite-coasts-and-care-about-each-other-too-much-to-risk-anything. It’s an unfamiliar word to April when it comes to Sterling. In her most recent memories, they’ve been unrequited crushes, enemies, lovers but never firmly friends.

Though there’s a whole country and multiple time zones in between them, they send each other pictures of things that remind one of the other, book recommendations (Sterling reads Eating Animals and declares herself a vegetarian much to the chagrin of her family), long complaints about idiotic groupmates and screenshots of their old classmates’ social media.

Luke went all-in on the hipster, joining a jam band and getting one ear pierced. Hannah B does makeup vlogs and is actually semi-famous now. Horny Lorna is dating Franklin and they have a very horny online presence together.

Her friends at college notice April and the way her face softens when she gets a text from Sterling. They tease her, _April’s got a high school sweetheart na na na na_ , and April’s cheeks burn as she shoos them away. They don’t mention it anymore when April starts dating Victoria. They also don’t mention it after Victoria breaks up with April, telling her she needs to get her priorities in check.

April, devastated, thinks at first by priorities, she means that April keeps showing up late or putting things off altogether because of school work, club commitments or her off-campus volunteering but April slowly realizes it’s maybe the moments when Victoria is nuzzling April’s neck and her phone dings and her eyes jump to it on instinct, finding Sterling’s text. It’s when Sterling calls her to ask a question about schoolwork or when she starts watching The X-Files and, in a scared frenzy, calls April to calm her down, _no there is not a man who can contort his body to squeeze into your vents that is physically not possible_ , in the middle of study dates. It’s the smile that lights up April’s face, at the absurdity of the person that is Sterling Wesley that makes Victoria berate her for leading her on when she’s clearly got other things going on.

April cries and cries and cries. Victoria was her first real relationship (April doesn’t count Sterling, that story feels incomplete) and this isn’t how she pictured it would end, that it would end at all. April knows the relationship with Sterling is complicated but it doesn’t negate the very real feelings that made April jump off the edge for Victoria in the first place. 

During one of her worst nights, she calls Sterling in a fit of rage and sadness. She blames Victoria; why couldn’t she have talked it out with April, why was she so ready to quit on their relationship? She switches to self-loathing; is April too much? Is she not enough? Sterling is quiet on the phone for most of it, letting April tire herself out. After a moment of silence, Sterling speaks.

“I guess she wasn’t the person you were meant to be with but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t important to you, that she didn’t change you for the better. I’m sorry, April.”

They fall asleep on the phone together, the sound of Sterling’s steady breathing lulling April to a comforting sleep for the first time in awhile.

So yeah, April and Sterling are just friends but they can never really be just friends, can they?

–

April comes home for spring break and is disappointed to find out Sterling won’t be there.

When she sends her a selfie at the airport, Sterling only responds with an apology. She and Blair, having been separated for six months, are road tripping together for the two weeks and she’s so, so sorry but she’ll be sure to catch her next time.

Though it’s been a lot more pleasant at home with her mom finally leaving her dad and them moving out, April still feels like she’s regressing the minute she steps foot back into Georgia. She can feel her anxieties creeping back in, her anger rising back up.

She quells the familiar cynical feelings with lazy pool days at Hannah B’s house. April apologized to Ezequiel and Hannah B in their group chat during her first year at college. They’d supported her through high school and her dad going to jail and her family life falling apart and she knows she didn’t really treat them as equals and she’s sorry. Oh, and she comes out to them in the same fell swoop.

Ezequiel only responded with, _oh honey we knew. but we love you either way_ and Hannah B asked, _we knew?_ and April could only laugh, her heart full for the acceptance she never thought she’d get.

So now she takes the time to actually get to know them. Ezequiel is seeing a boy but doesn’t want to get into a relationship so quickly. He maintains that after eighteen long years in the closet, more men deserve to know the presence that is Ezequiel and April can only say amen to that. 

Hannah B is currently negotiating a sponsorship with Ulta. The way she’s discussing numbers and contractual duties, in a bikini and sipping a smoothie, April has to admit she didn’t give Hannah B enough credit in high school.

So the days pass by quickly. April catches up on her reading, maintains her school emails, and attends Church with her mom in the daytime and afterwards, she meets up with Ezequiel and Hannah B to aimlessly drive around and end up at each other’s houses.

(April’s nervous about having them over for the first time. It’s a new, smaller house and it isn’t as nice as her old one but they go out of their way to compliment the space and furniture composition and April’s heart swells.)

She occasionally gets update texts from Sterling.

A smiling selfie in front of the Hollywood sign. Blair posing in front of the largest garden gnome in America, mimicking the scowl on its face. Sterling in the mountains, a stunning sunrise behind her.

Ezequiel and Hannah B have to get her attention more than once when pictures like these come in.

(“You’re still hung up on the girl with the eyes, huh?” Ezequiel snarks out, sipping his virgin pina colada after April had been making googly eyes at her screen for too long.

She quickly puts her phone to her chest, “Uh, no. We’re just friends now.”

Ezequiel just smirks at her, “Hannah B and I are your best friends, and not once have you ever looked at a photo of us like that.”

Hannah B nods in agreement, “Yeah, there’s a surprising lack of disdain when you look at photos of Sterling.”

April shuts down the conversation, jumping off the float and into the pool.)

She is not in love with Sterling Wesley, she is not in love with Sterling Wesley, she is not in love with-

Sterling W  
 _Surprise!_

Attached is a photo of Sterling grinning and Blair looking angry and rumpled at the Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. April stares at the phone in disbelief.

Sterling W  
 _We decided to surprise our parents and come home early!_

Sterling W  
 _Are you not surprised?? I know I shared my location with you because I was going on a date with that weird guy so it’s totally fair if you already realized._

April S  
 _Sorry! No, it is a surprise! I am very surprised! See?_

April attaches a photo of her looking faux-dumbfounded. She spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to take that photo, Hannah B adjusting her tanning mirror to give April optimal lighting. 

Sterling W  
 _:)_

She doesn’t let herself quite believe it until Sterling is pulling up to her house. She, without thought, agreed to hang out with Sterling tonight because April is only in town for a few more days and Sterling would really, really love to see April if she has a spare moment.

The problem is is there isn’t much to do in Atlanta at night if you aren’t over 21. Sterling timidly suggests the Fun Zone and April is grasping at straws, trying to think of literally anywhere else but she eventually concedes with an awkward smile cause it’s either the Fun Zone, a random house party, or the Cumberland Mall parking lot and at least there are good distractions at the Fun Zone.

April quickly realizes a problem, sitting in the car with Sterling. Sure, they text and talk on the phone but they’ve never really hung out. Since high school, they’ve only seen each other a handful of times because of conflicting breaks and family time and when they have met up, it’s been at loud, large gatherings where Blair eventually tugs Sterling away.

So April doesn’t really know how to conduct herself. She can’t believe she used to insult this girl on a daily basis; where did she get all that confidence from? Sterling doesn’t seem to be faring that well either as she continues to ramble all the way to the arcade, past the purchasing of the tokens and she only pauses when they’re standing in front of the Skeeball station. April has to bury the memories that flash through her mind as she stands there with Sterling, just as nervous as she was last time. 

April leans down, putting a coin in the slot.

“I always did like the clacking of wooden balls.”

“I remember,” Sterling raises her eyebrow.

April turns red. She’s grateful the lights are dim in this place. There’s a lull that stretches on for a little too long until Sterling reaches down to put her own coin in the slot, breaking the quiet.

“When our house was getting fumigated last summer and we were forced out of the house for days, Blair actually trained me on the art of the arcade game.” Sterling looks at April smugly, “I’m ready to usurp your throne.”

The tension leaves April’s shoulders as the familiar sense of competition rises in her. Now, this she's comfortable with and she's grateful for Sterling for knowing her so well. She turns around, pointing at a faded wall of photos. In the second row is her smiling ten-year-old face, posing next to the Skeeball stations with a plastic trophy.

“Come and get it, Wesley.” She turns, throwing the first ball and sinking the hundred. She turns to gloat when she sees Sterling’s arm shoot out, the ball rolling high and up and regrettably falling into the hundred as well.

They stay at this for twenty more minutes and Sterling loses by ten points. Ten points! Sterling argues if the little boy next to her didn’t throw his ball into her lane, her concentration wouldn’t have been broken and she would’ve hit the forty instead of the thirty so they should just call it a tie. April is annoyed to find that a debating Sterling still turns her on.

As a consolation, April begrudgingly agrees to one round of DDR. It turns into three more rounds and April remembers how contagious Sterling can be, how dangerous that could be for April.

They collapse into a heap together, their arms and legs like jelly and their faces pained from smiling so hard. April is aware of her arms draped near Sterling’s, their shoulders touching. She’s aware when Sterling pulls away, the uninvited cold rushing in to fill the space she left behind, and she’s disappointed.

–

April’s flight back to school is at 7AM the next morning so she turns Ezequiel and Hannah B down when they beg her to come out to Kate R’s party.

Ezequiel pouts when she says no and Hannah B tries to bribe her with promises of makeup but April is a terror if she doesn’t get at least seven hours of sleep so she promises them a rager the next time they’re all home and they make her pinky promise.

She’s on the edge of falling asleep when her phone pings. And pings again. And one more time. April groans, reaching over to silence the phone. She loves those idiots but she needs to go to bed if she’s going to catch that flight feeling any form of normal.

So when her phone starts ringing, she irritatedly picks it up.

“I'm going to kill you guys.”

“Wah?” A drunken, female voice leaks through.

April almost drops the phone.

“April, why do you wanna kill me?”

Oh fuck, it’s Sterling.

“No, no Sterl. Sorry, I thought you were Ezequiel or Hannah B.”

Sterling scoffs, “Caller ID is verrrrrry important, April. Spam callers are always trying to get my information. What does it matter to them if I'm a homeowner?” She hiccups.

“You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I forgive you.” April can audibly hear Sterling beaming. Sterling doesn’t say anything for a bit, only occasionally hiccuping.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yes! I’m great, I’m fantastic. Repressed Catholic ex-high schoolers really throw the best parties, huh?” Sterling laughs but the sound immediately dies down as she makes a light dry-heaving sound.

“Where’s Blair?”

“I told Blair to go do some sex with this guy. I’m really proud of her, you know? She’s an independent woman!”

As much as April is amused by this situation, a part of her starts to grow worried.

“So no one is with you?”

“Nope! Just me and my little pool of vomit and- oh. The stars. How could I forget the stars? LA doesn’t have stars, it sucks!”

April sighs, already getting out of bed and looking around for a change of clothing. Her seven blissful hours of sleep can wait.

“Okay, Sterling. Just stay where you are. I’m coming to get you, okay?”

Sterling starts to protest, “No, no, no, no. April, you’re zooming out of here tomorrow. You need your sleep!”

“Sterling, I’m already on my way. You better stay put. If you don’t, I swear I will track you down and you will be wasting my precious sleep time and when I inevitably miss my flight tomorrow, it will be your fault.”

Sterling hiccups and lets out a frightened, “Okay.”

Unfortunately, Blair is wearing the fanny pack tonight and thus disappeared with the only set of house keys. Sterling drunkenly insists on not waking her parents up cause they would kill her if she showed up this late and this drunk so April is left with only one option. 

April throws her hands up at this, “So what were you guys gonna do in the first place?” 

Sterling shrugs, biting her lip in thought. “We’re sneaky. We’re sneaky sisters.”

So Sterling Wesley ends up in her bed, wearing her pajamas and actively fighting sleep to apologize to April once again for making her miss her flight (“It’s tomorrow, Sterling”) and for making her come get her (“I really don’t mind”) and for throwing up in her room. April only grimaces at the last one, the smell of tequila and leftover pizza still wafting in her room.

April grabs a blanket to lay on the floor but Sterling whines and insists if one of them is going to be sleeping on the floor, it should be her. Getting up proves to be hard for her though as she turns a sickly shade of green at any movement so April appeases her, not wanting to clean vomit off the bed. She climbs into bed with Sterling and they both lay there in silence.

“Remember the sleepovers we used to have? You’d always braid my hair and we would watch dance videos and you’d teach me how to pointe,” Sterling murmurs dreamily.

April swallows. Being this close to Sterling is stirring something in April that she immediately tries to tamp down. She goes through the rehearsed list of reasons in her head again, adding as she goes: Sterling is drunk, Sterling and April are finally in a good place, April doesn’t want to hurt Sterling again, they live on opposite coasts, what do they really have in common anyways? God and gayness?

Sterling disturbs this train of thought, turning on her side and nuzzling a little closer to April.

“Thank you for picking me up, April. You’re a really, really good friend.”

April’s breath hitches at the word ‘friend’ but that’s what they are, right? How could she disturb that?

“I got you, Sterling.”

April feels Sterling’s body tense up, just a little.

“You got me?”

April can feel Sterling’s eyes on her and is almost afraid to turn towards her. It’s dark, only a slant of light from outside illuminating her room but April is suddenly aware of everything. Sterling’s chest rising and falling, that oddly comforting vanilla scent wafting from her hair, her hand brushing April’s.

She takes a deep breath in an attempt to slow her heart rate and turns, startled by how _close_ Sterling is now that they’re face to face. In the midst of her denial spiral, Sterling had snuggled even closer and now all April can see are her dumb, beautiful blue eyes staring right up at her.

Sterling takes her hand out from under the blanket and touches April’s cheek, “Your eyes have specks of gold in them. I’ve never noticed that before.”

It’s inevitable, it’s a force that neither of them can ever seem to fight so April isn’t surprised when it happens. When Sterling’s hand moves to the back of April’s neck and she closes her eyes, when Sterling softly places her lips on April’s and April can only gasp from the familiarity and the strangeness of it all. April moves her body closer to Sterling, draping her arm around her waist and tugging her closer. She reaches up, gently moving Sterling’s chin so she could kiss her lips more fully. They fit so well together, their legs wrapping around each other and their hands resting on hips, faces, cheeks.

April would be content to stay like this all night. But plans change.

Sterling pulls back suddenly, lurching backwards and rushes to the bathroom. April closes her eyes, willing herself to calm down but it’s hard for her to ignore her brain and its ringing alarms. What does this mean? Are they ready to go down this path again? April immediately knows the answer as soon as she thinks it. She’ll always be willing to go down this path with Sterling, for Sterling.

April pads over to the bathroom and leans down, running a hand through Sterling’s hair and pulling it back. She uses her other hand to soothingly run it up and down Sterling’s back and finally, the retching cedes and then they’re just two girls in a bathroom.

Sterling lays down, resting her face against the cool tile and April busies herself with cleaning. When she finally works up the courage (and is finished leaving her bathroom spotless but mostly the former), she puts the sponge down and sits to talk to Sterling. They’ve never been good at these kinds of talks in the past but April’s different now. She’s ready for this.

“I’m sorry, April.”

April furrows her eyebrows at the girl laying across from her.

“I already told you I didn’t mind helping you. I like helping you, Sterling.”

 _Come on_ , April thinks. _Talk about it. I’m ready._

“That’s not what I’m sorry about.”

A pause. “I- I’m seeing someone.”

And just like that, the bottom falls out.

“It’s not super serious or anything yet but you deserve to know.”

“So why did you kiss me?”

“Cause you’re April Stevens. I’ve never had much self-control around you.”

April almost laughs at the situation placed in front of her but it makes sense. Sterling and April are running two parallel paths, they’ve always been like that, but the timing has never been right for them to connect. It's a fait accompli. But as Sterling once wisely said, maybe she’s not the person April’s meant to be with but Sterling is important to her, so incredibly important so she knows how this will end.

April gently scoops Sterling off the ground, (“You’re still surprisingly strong, you freak”) and they lay in bed together, holding hands before drifting to sleep. When April leaves in the morning, she casts a last look at the girl sleeping in her bed and she can't help feeling like she was always meant to be there.

–

Sterling W  
 _Have a safe flight! I’m venmoing you money for your sweat, tears, and compassion last night and also for what I suspect is vomit from the gross colored stains on your carpet._

VENMO  
Sterling W paid April Stevens $50.00  
🤮🤢😳

April S  
 _You’re a dork._

April S  
 _I’m using that money to buy myself the new 20th Anniversary Edition of the People’s History of the United States._

Sterling W  
 _I expect nothing else._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i planned this to be a one-shot but thanks to all your super lovely comments and this one tweet i saw about wanting a fic with april picking up a drunk sterling from a party (s/o to that person), this came out of my brain. i hope y'all enjoy it!!
> 
> also a big absolute fuck you to netflix for continuing to cancel their queer, female-led, genuinely interesting shows! join me in a rousing song of fuck you netflix! 
> 
> again, thank you for your beautiful and warming comments and kudos keep leaving them y'all are the best!


	3. Chapter 3

April and Sterling have a mutual, unspoken agreement.

(April doesn’t want to dwell on the fact that their history is plagued with unspoken sentiments, things that haunt them both.)

Untangling themselves from each other is a joint decision brought on by the fact that Sterling announces she’s in a relationship three months after their kiss. They don’t discuss it but April understands it’s what Sterling needs, and deserves, and April has only ever wanted Sterling to be happy.

The dependency is still there though; April has to stop herself from reaching out to Sterling on multiple occasions. Occasionally, they’ll talk on the phone about a new sci-fi movie that’s come out or how they’re mutually drowning under a mountain of schoolwork.

During the final weeks of class, April’s Constitutional Law TA, Tess, hands her final paper back with a post-it, her number scribbled on it. Now their romantic escapades, for some reason, have recently been something they’ve felt comfortable sharing. April thinks it’s because they’re good friends and have evolved past jealousy. Her therapist thinks it's a reminder of the final walls they hold against each other. April pointedly ignores her therapist on this remark. 

April S _  
__[Picture Attachment]_ _  
__Should I text her?_

Sterling W _  
__Didn’t she give you an a- on your midterm paper that you tried to dispute for four hours but she refused to change the grade?_

April S _  
__You’re right. She’s cut._

Sterling W _  
__Play nice or you won’t ever get laid again_

April S _  
_…

They go on four dates before April realizes the deepened part of her that had been clutching to the idea of Sterling has started loosening its grip. The seventh date, a drunken rewatch of The West Wing’s Two Cathedrals and Tess is straddling her lap when Bartlett storms into the church and she immediately jumps off not willing to miss it, is when April thinks she’s in love and it’s the first real thing she hasn’t told Sterling in a long time.

–-

Sterling brings Iris, her girlfriend, home during the first few weeks of summer vacation that year. 

Sterling W _  
__It’s no pressure or anything, you’re just one of my best friends and she wants to meet you._

April S _  
__One of? Blair doesn’t count._

Sterling W _  
__Ok fine, only. Again, no pressure but I’d also love to see you!!!_

April S _  
__You’re buying._

So they meet at Duke’s, a grandstanding bar that Blair swears by.

(Blair tries to convince April to get a fake ID the year before to get her in but April wants to be a lawyer and she refuses to even have a whiff of illegality on her record much to Blair’s chagrin.)

And it’s weird at first. April isn’t sure how much Sterling’s told her about them and she can feel herself sizing Iris up, alarmed to find how pretty she is. She can’t stop staring at their hands intertwined, Iris’ finger softly rubbing over Sterling’s and she feels then that sharp pang of jealousy, alarmed by its reappearance. April reminds herself that they’re _both_ in relationships so it shouldn’t matter and luckily the alcohol kicks in and soon Blair joins and breaks the ice.

Iris, pink in the face, grins at April. “It’s so good to finally put a face to the name. Sterling talks about you so much, I thought she was a triplet for a second.” April’s face burns and Sterling quickly looks down at her drink.

Blair scoff-gasps, “Our twinhood is a sacred bond. I know we look totally different but we have the same hands, Sterling, show them!” She reaches across the table and grabs Sterling’s hands, shoving them in everyone’s faces.

Iris backs away with a laugh, “Alright, I believe you.”

Blair rolls her eyes, letting go of her grip on Sterling and leans back. “If you’d seen them in high school, you would’ve never thought they even _liked_ each other. It was straight up Game of Thrones vibes up in here; blood, incest and all.”

Iris furrows her brows, “What do you mean?”

Sterling and Blair lock eyes and don’t speak for an uncomfortable amount of time, their eyes widening and squinting at varying degrees.

Blair suddenly pushes April, trying to scoot out of the booth they’re in. “Oh nothing, they just seriously did not like each other. Anyways, the sundaes here are to die for and I know what you’re thinking, a bar that serves sundaes? Oh, Iris, you’d be surprised. It’s a Wesley tradition. Drink and puke at Duke’s,” Blair’s hand reaches out to tug a helpless Iris along and Sterling is looking at her sister with something in her eyes that April can’t quite read. 

Later when Blair has taken Iris over to the pinball machines, insistent on showing her that she’s the cooler twin, April walks over to Sterling who’s at the bar getting more drinks.

“So you haven’t told her about us, have you?”

Sterling’s eyes widen, caught in the act but she takes a sip of her drink and shrugs.

“It’s a long story,” She pauses, “And I didn’t want her to think of you any differently.”

“How would she think of me if you did tell her?” April says slowly, trying to choose her words more carefully. She knows she’s entering dangerous territory but she’s three gin and tonics in and even the alcohol is just an excuse. 

“She’d see you as the bitch who broke my heart.”

If this had been four years ago, April would’ve startled. She would’ve gaped at Sterling cursing, at the confession that April had Sterling’s heart enough to break it. But it’s now and they’ve talked and Sterling smirks at her and April shakes her head, smiling into her drink.

“I mean she knows a girl from my high school wrecked me and she knows about the night of the lock-in, everything that happened,” Sterling looks down, stabbing her tiny straw into the ice. “She just doesn’t know it’s you.”

The tone turns serious and April isn’t quite sure what to say, what she could say but thankfully she doesn’t have to say anything as Iris walks over, plucking her own drink from Sterling’s other hand and kisses her soundly.

Blair, the intuitive twin that she is, notices something on April’s face and ushers April back towards the bar seconds after, shoving a tequila shot in her hand.

April takes the shot gratefully, licking the salt off her fist and downing it. She’s happy for the distraction burning down her throat. 

She tries to avoid Sterling and Iris the rest of her vacation and she can tell the girl notices, that she’s hurt by it but she wants Sterling to understand that this isn’t done out of harm but self-preservation and she thinks Sterling does know that deep down because she stops asking after her after a while. 

–-

The distance helps. The reminder that April has a girl waiting for her back in Massachusetts also helps. 

When Tess bounds back into April’s life, it almost is enough to erase Sterling from her mind. It certainly seems like enough when Tess asks her to “go steady” and April calls her a dork, laughing and kissing simultaneously. She posts a picture of her and Tess hiking on her instagram (Private, of course), hands clasped and Sterling comments ‘oo cute!’ and it feels maybe okay again. 

Though of course it’s when things are starting to feel settled and in place that her life starts to splinter.

It’s senior year. Her and Tess are in love (a gross amount, according to Ezequiel), she lands a dream public defense law internship with her professor, whom she may or may not have a big fat crush on (Tess does not hesitate to point out a pattern), and she scores a 170 on her practice LSATs. 

April is feeling like she’d made it to the other side when the tunnel collapses on top of her.

It starts off small. April is juggling too much and drops the ball on a case, her professor taking her aside and gently implying that maybe she’s not ready for a responsibility of this caliber. Tess is looking at graduate schools and none of them are in the same places April’s been looking at.

The real kicker comes in the form of a voicemail, a woman’s tinny voice coming through the speaker.

Her father has been arrested again, another case of misogynistic violence. They ask her to testify as a character witness and she refuses; She owes this man nothing. He’s acquitted of all charges three weeks later and her mom calls her to deliver the news, voice shaking. It’s different this time though, he doesn’t try to pretend to be a better man anymore. He gives a few local television interviews afterwards, boasting his innocence and calling his family a disgrace, his daughter an abomination. 

The law failed her. The law, supposedly swift and objective, failed to see the danger her father could be, presently _is_ , and how could she put her faith in the clearly broken system that let her father off twice?

April has been working so hard with her therapist to break down the compartmentalization she does in her head. She’s been working on understanding that she feels emotions for a reason and it only festers and hurts other people when she doesn’t deal with it straight on. Though her therapist reminds her that their sessions are not things to “win”, April thinks she’s nailing it until this enormous wave hits. And then the emotions slam into her and suddenly, April doesn’t know what to do with the abundance of anger and sorrow she’s been given without the box in her head. 

So she withdraws. She pulls back from her friends, her commitments, her relationship. Sterling calls her worried when she hears the news and April silences her phone. She can only focus on the voices in her head, telling her everything is wrong and nothing can be done about it. 

Her mom calls her, disguising it as a check up but April hears the fear lacing her voice. She knows her mom is strong and knows that her dad, the despicable human he is, wouldn’t hurt her but she recognizes the loneliness present in her mom and she knows what she has to do. 

She makes arrangements with her professors and internship supervisors to work remotely for the rest of the semester, citing a family tragedy. It almost feels like a joke, the tragedy having sat with her this entire time. When Tess stiffly kisses her, promising to visit, April knows the road has ended for them. She can’t really blame her; she knows this isn’t the April she fell in love with but April is so tired of existing for other people so she waves goodbye and watches her grow smaller in the rearview mirror, driving away from what could’ve been.

\--

It’s April’s fifth day of loathing back in Atlanta when Sterling shows up at her bedroom door, having heard the news.

 _“You’re taking a sabbatical?”_ She practically yells.

April has always loved how expressive Sterling could be. Her eyes crinkling with happiness, her lips pulling wide to laugh. It’d be comical if you didn’t know her but the honesty in which Sterling wears her heart is something April had grown to love about her. But right now, it’s the eyebrows knitted together and the eyes accusatory in a way she’d never felt before that scares her.

April can only murmur an affirmative, her throat too hoarse from crying to really correct her.

“You’re joking, right? This is a practical joke that you are pulling on me. April Stevens is finally learning to be funny.” April can hear the anger lining her light words.

“Can we not do this right now, Sterling?”

Sterling lets out a laugh that doesn’t have a drop of humor in it. 

“You’re so many things, April but I never thought you were a coward.”

She startles at the word. 

“Excuse me?”

“When you talk about your classes and the real and important work you get to do, you get so excited and you light up and I love seeing you like that, April and you’re letting this… asshole take you off-course,” Sterling shakes her head, “I know you’re better than this April. I just wish you knew it too.”

April doesn’t know sadness too well but anger is something she’s much more comfortable with. Anger is malleable and active and with anger, at least she’s distracted.

She wipes her nose with the back of her sleeve and stands, crossing her arms.

“You’re one to talk, Sterling.”

This shuts Sterling up.

“You called _me_ that night. You knew how I felt and you still called me that night,” April says before she can stop herself. She hates the tone of her voice, hates how needy she sounds but she doesn’t care anymore. 

Sterling scoffs, her eyes growing wide. “April, I never know how you’re feeling because you never actually _tell_ me.” She steps closer, “So I’m sorry that I chose to be with someone who wasn’t afraid to tell me how they felt in the first place, who can actually communicate with me.”

“Then why haven’t you told her about us? Why have you been lying to her this entire time?”

Sterling opens her mouth to retort but nothing comes out. They both know she doesn’t have a good answer and whatever she’ll say will be meaningless. 

She steps forward again, emboldened, almost toe-to-toe with Sterling. “I’ll tell you why. Because you’re Sterling Wesley and you find safety in cowardice.” She knows she’s taking it a step too far, knows that Sterling has always been worried about her reliance on comfort since Blair used it against her. “You like knowing you’re going to end up with a safe partner, back in Atlanta where everyone loves and adores you and the worst part is my mom thought the same thing and look where she is now.”

She aims, she fires and she _hits._

Sterling knows how much April secretly resents her mother for not leaving her dad earlier, for not choosing her first. And it shows when the comment sinks in and Sterling turns, leaving without another word. April wants to sit in the satisfaction of winning this debate, Sterling’s portfolio strewn across her mind, but she just feels lonely and sad and cold. 

Twenty-four hours later, the other Wesley twin shows up at her door. 

April is laying in bed, huddled under a pile of blankets with her laptop burning her thighs when she hears Blair saying, “Really, Stevens?” April startles, pulling the blanket up higher.

“What did I do to get the great Blair Wesley to bless me with her presence?” April’s sarcastic tone rings clear but Blair ignores it, smirking at her as she strolls in, looking around April’s room. April suddenly becomes very self-conscious of the oversized Buffy shirt she’s wearing.

(She really has to speak to her mom about letting random people into their house.) 

“Well, when you fuck with Sterling, you’re fucking with me so I’m here to be the rational party because Sterling really just loses all common sense around you,” Blair clicks her tongue. “And you’re not looking too great either, Stevens.” 

April is about to fire back when Blair gestures to something in her hair and she pulls out some cheez-its. Maybe she has a small point.

“Blair, I know you think you’re God’s gift but you don’t really know me or anything about my situation.” 

April has watched Blair Wesley her whole life. She watched as her dad attended all her sports games and her mom brought actual baked goods to the fundraisers. She watched as Sterling and Blair excelled at everything they did, often with little effort much to the chagrin of April and more importantly, April’s parents. She watched as Blair was loved and accepted and understood time and time again by her sister and her family and her friends and never knew how deep jealousy could run until it simmered hot in her stomach. So yeah, what does Blair really have to offer her? 

But as Blair walks over to the bed, crouching down until they’re eye-level, April realizes she might have underestimated Blair. 

“I have not sat by and watched you and Sterling eye-fuck each other with the most awkward, horny tension for _years_ to not be able to have a say so I’m here to talk and I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on.” 

She sits down, resting her back against April’s dresser and nudging the pile of chip bags next to April’s bed away with her feet. They sit there in silence for a little until Blair rolls her eyes, crossing her arms.

“Spit it out, Stevens. I have a dick appointment in two hours and I’m not letting you get in the way of that.” 

“Blair, why would I even tell you anything? You hated me for years and even now, I can’t really tell if you like me when Sterling’s not around.” April can’t help but to revert to her old self, her insecure, high school self in the presence of Blair. 

Blair sighs, pressing her toes together and then apart. April has a feeling that Blair doesn’t do well with silence, neither does she. 

“You’re not the only one with shit happening, you know? I’ve got- we’ve all got family baggage,” Blair looks straight into April’s eyes. 

April, in disbelief, can only stare back and she recognizes this is a vulnerable moment for her but this is Blair Wesley and April feels no loyalty in keeping her protected. 

“Your mom not approving of your piercings and your grandpa being racist isn’t baggage, Blair. Having your father say, to everyone you’ve ever known, that his daughter is a dyke and a coward is baggage. Hearing your mom cry herself to sleep is baggage,” April hisses at her.

Blair laughs, not a mocking laugh but a disbelieving one. “We’re not exactly best friends so I don’t owe you my life story or anything but feel free to ask Sterling about the lock-in one day, you’d be shocked.” 

April opens her mouth to speak but Blair cuts her off, “You think you’re the only one from this place to feel like shit? When I was younger, there was nothing I wanted more than to get the hell out of here. I just wanted to grab Sterling and go because everybody was trying to shame us for being ourselves,” Blair pointedly looks at April and April has the decency to look a little embarrassed.

“But you know what happened? I grew up,” Blair shrugs. “You’ve had it tough, April. I’m sorry that you had to go through all that shit in high school and that it’s still dragging out but April, and this is coming from me who had your picture taped to a dart board for _several_ years, you’re better than this.” She gestures to the pile of chip bags and then at disheveled April herself. 

“The April Stevens I know would’ve yelled at me three different times in this conversation and then made someone else cry in the same breath. Now do I love that April? No. Do I admire her? Hell yeah.” 

Blair stands, brushing imaginary dust off of her shirt.

“Your father is a piece of shit, no doubt. All I’m saying is blood doesn’t determine family; I know that better than anyone,” She smiles at April. Maybe the first genuine smile Blair has given April in a long time. “So get your shit together and apologize to my sister.”

April is so overwhelmed by this that for a second, her mind goes blank. She has the urge to hug Blair and almost reaches out before her brain kicks in. She takes a long breath out and nods her head. 

“You’re right.” 

Blair snorts, “Duh.” 

Her phone chirps and she takes it out of her pocket, looking at the time.

“Okay, I have a hot boy on the other end of this so I’m gonna go but for what it’s worth, I’ve never actually hated you. Only intensely disliked you for long periods of time.”

April rolls her eyes, shooting her a wry smile. “Can’t say the same.”

Blair laughs, pointing at her triumphantly. “See! There’s the old, annoying April.” She turns to leave, waving her hand back, “Nice Buffy shirt by the way. Faith’s super hot.”

It’s an infuriatingly annoying habit the Wesley twins share, being able to pick people apart but April understands now that once in a while, she needs a good kick in the ass and Blair is the only one really brave enough to do it. 

\--

So they make up. Of course, they make up.

April shows up to the Wesley household with a box of Dunkin, a mocha iced coffee for Sterling and some beers for Blair, blurting out apologies the minute the door opens.

April admits that Sterling was right; she was letting this get to her in a way that wasn’t productive or healthy and she thanks Sterling with a small, sheepish smile for reminding her of who she is. She does ask that Sterling understand that April needs time though.

Her entire life, her emotional comprehension has had a lifespan of minutes. 

Her dad sat her down in the second grade after she lost the spelling bee that year and told her that vulnerability, letting your opponents see your emotions, was a weakness and even after realizing he was a fraud all these years later, she couldn’t quite shake the habit. She used to give herself thirty seconds to process things, a mental timer slowly ticking in her brain. Her therapist tells her that’s not enough time, not enough time for anyone to digest their emotions let alone come to terms with them. So she counts down for longer and she understands she needs the time. 

Sterling, of course, affirms her. She apologizes for coming in so hot but April only shakes it off.

“I’m sorry about everything I said. Ezequiel and Hannah B would’ve called that a classic Heathen Stevens Rage Marathon,” April bites her lip. “I really am trying… to be better.” 

Sterling’s eyes soften and she reaches for her hand, tugging at April’s fingers. Her hand stays on April’s fingers until Blair bursts into the room, already belching from the beer.

“Alright, move over. I’m bored.”

Blair sprawls onto the bed and Sterling lays over her, reaching for the remote to find something on TV to watch. April taps Blair on the leg and mouths ‘thank you’. Blair rolls her eyes in an obnoxious ‘I told you so’ fashion before proclaiming loudly that she needs more beer and splaying her feet onto April’s lap. She wrinkles her nose in disgust but allows it. 

What a weird trio, April thinks with a smile.

\--

So the two months pass, and then Christmas break passes, and April is back at school, finishing the year as salutatorian with a near perfect GPA (she curses Introduction to Visual Arts, abstracts are _not_ her thing) and a glowing future recommendation from her professor. 

She texts a lengthy apology to Hanna, blocks any mention of her father on social media and restarts her weekly sessions with her therapist. She’s doing well, as well as she can be doing, when she receives an offer for a partial scholarship to Georgetown. 

She’d only applied to a few schools -- mostly in the South, wanting to be closer to her family and her friends but Georgetown was a dream, enough of a reach that April didn’t think it was possible and somehow they wanted April. 

Now she’s home, unpacking four years of clothing, academic journals and college mementos and wondering if she should even be unpacking at all. 

April doesn’t know what to do. For all the times she’s spent trying to leave Atlanta, trying to leave the place where her rage festered and her identity was shunned, she suddenly misses it so much. She wants to go, knows the world is a bigger place for her but what if she never comes back? What if all her friends forget about her?

April makes every pro and con list in the book, speaks to every available ear about it and spends hours creating powerpoints for each school, emailing alumni about their own experiences. But this is a choice for April alone, she knows that, so she takes a walk the day before they need a final decision. 

She walks past her dance academy, where her parents would beam at her in the audience as she took the leading role. She walks past Adele Meisner’s house, hours spent locked in her room playing house. She walks past the courthouse where her father stood, only a year before, and loudly proclaimed her family shunned. Atlanta is filled with echoes of April and she cannot ignore that anymore.

It doesn’t shock her when she finds that her feet had taken her to her church, empty that day as there was no service so she goes into the chapel and sits. She sits and she thinks about what her life was and what her life will be. 

She thinks about growing up in this chapel, running around with the Wesley twins and being shushed at by their parents. She thinks about when their friendship splits and Sterling and Blair get baptized, April glaring from the front pew. She thinks about her father, listening to the sermons and preaching about the brilliance of God and hitting women the next night. 

Being confronted again and again of the evils of religion in her life and studies has really boiled it down for April. It’s about love and forgiveness and kindness, nothing more than that. God loves her, a lesbian and Sterling, a bisexual and her mom, a divorcee and she’s never felt more sure of that in her life. 

Thinking about all this, in the place that saw her and all her faults, she closes her eyes and prays. 

It’s silent for a while until April feels the creak of the wooden pew and a slight wind as someone sits next to her.

Reminiscent of the night at the party, April smiles recognizing that smell that is so distinctly Sterling.

“Funny running into you here,” Sterling whispers.

April laughingly rolls her eyes, “How did you know where I’d be?” 

“I like to think we have a special connection and that all signs led me to this very pew we’re sitting on.”

“You looked at Find My Friends, didn’t you?”

“Maybe.”

April laughs, a full laugh that reverbs around them and Sterling looks up in awe. April can’t help but fall a little in love with her for continuously finding new things to be amazed by in a familiar place. She thinks it’s a little like their own relationship.

“Soooo,” Sterling trails off. “Big decision, huh?” 

“Yeah,” April shrugs. “Only the next three years of my life, right?” 

Sterling suddenly grabs April’s arm, pulling her towards her and turns in her seat. 

“You take the negative, I’ll take the affirmative.” 

April smirks, “Really? You wanna debate this?”

Sterling raises her hands mockingly, “If you’re worried I’ll beat you…” 

April scoffs but turns anyways, putting her hair up in preparation. 

“I don’t want to be away from my mom.”

“She’ll be fine without you. She’s going to therapy and has a great support group and also a truly stunning restraining order against your dad.”

“I’ll miss my friends.”

“Ezequiel and Hannah B are literally thriving. Ezequiel becoming Hannah B’s PR person is the stuff of dreams.”

“There are great schools here in Georgia, in Florida that I got into, with full scholarships too.” 

“Georgetown is your dream, April. Don’t think I didn’t see that vision board you made in your apartment and plus you’ve already invested in so many winter coats, it’d be a shame if they went to waste.” 

April laughs at that before going quiet. 

“I’d miss you.” 

Sterling softens at that, her lower lip jutting out just a little.

“I’d come visit. We did long distance in college; we’ll be fine.” 

April is aware of how it sounds, the relationshipness of it all but it’s the truth. Sterling is one of the most meaningful relationships she’s ever had and the possibility of being physically close, of being able to see her every day is tempting. 

Maybe because it’s her church and April could never lie in church or maybe it’s because Sterling is there, looking at her with those big dumb eyes that she just goes ahead and says it.

“What if it’s not enough?” 

Sterling crinkles her eyebrows, confusion painting her features. 

“What do you mean?” 

April takes a deep breath, “I think I’m my best version when I have you in my life. Whether it’s because you’re constantly hovering around me with those big, blinky eyes,” Sterling swats at April and April grins before going somber, “Or because you actually ground me, I don’t know..” She speaks softer, “Having you close would be as good as Georgetown.” 

Sterling leans forward, so quickly that April’s brain doesn’t register what she’s doing and she places both hands on April’s face, kissing her. April’s internal alarm bells go off instantly.

What about Iris? April doesn’t want to be an adulterer. And she knows that God loves her, gay and all but this feels a little blasphemous kissing in his house. Sensing April’s head not really being in it, Sterling pulls backwards in confusion. 

“I’m sorry. Did I just, did I misread that? Oh, I’m an idiot,” Sterling’s hand reaching up to cover her face.

Before she can go on one of her Sterling tangents, April reaches out and grabs her hand.

“No, no. I’m just confused. Aren’t you…?”

“Oh,” Relief washes over her face. “We broke up at graduation. I’d finally told her about us after we had our fight and it wasn’t the same after that. Plus it made sense since she’s going abroad for her work and I realized I just wasn’t as happy as I used to be with her.”

April’s mind immediately starts racing and her face breaks into a smile, much to her horror. She tries to cover it up with her hand and Sterling lets out a soft laugh, reaching up to bring it down.

“You mean," April pauses, afraid that voicing it could shatter the illusion. "You mean, this could be a real thing?”

“It's always been a real thing; I'm just sorry it took us so long.” 

April sighs in relief, her shoulders dropping because _finally_. 

“If there’s isn’t a bigger confirmation that God supports the gays than this,” April says with a smile that genuinely starts to hurt her face. 

April goes in to kiss her again because you know what, God would want her to be happy but Sterling’s hand flies in between them and goes over April’s lips.

“By the way, you’re going to Georgetown, don’t even try to fight me on this,” Sterling grins. “I wanna see my hot lawyer girlfriend in DC.”

April blushes, “You make a great point.”

Sterling starts making quiet victory cheers before April grabs her, getting onto her lap and soundly kissing her quiet.

April might’ve conceded but she _definitely_ won the debate that night.

\--

Ezequiel  
 _ms elle woods congrats on ur first year down_

Hannah B  
 _Yay!!! 🎉💪🏼_

Ezequiel  
 _when are u and eyes getting back to atlanta though, hannah b and i trying to plan the Ultimate sleepover_

April S  
 _We’re leaving DC on the 21st but Sterl wants to spend a full day at Dollywood and I made her promise we’d stop at Roanoke so probably the 27th?_

Ezequiel  
 _missing puritans and dolly parton? y’all are weird_

April S  
 _How are you NOT fascinated by one of the greatest American mysteries???_ _  
__[Link]_ _  
__[Link]_ _  
__[Link]_

Ezequiel  
 _im not opening that but i support u_

Hannah B  
 _I think it’s cute! You guys are like Thelma and Louise!_

Hannah B  
 _Oh my god, were Thelma and Louise gay?_

Ezequiel  
 _ugh i wish_

April S  
 _We should definitely do a If This Were Made Today It’d Be Gay movie marathon._

Ezequiel  
 _yesssss hello bring it on!_

April S  
 _Sterling is insisting we add Bend It Like Beckham to the list and that she be there because she is in love with Keira Knightley._

April S  
 _Apparently Blair will also be joining us._ _  
__  
_Ezequiel  
 _you guys are disgusting but fine. blair does bring a certain edge that i’ve always enjoyed_

April S  
 _She said the only person she loves more than Keira Knightley is me so don’t worry guys._

Ezequiel  
🤮🤮🤮

Hannah B  
 _I love love!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IS THIS ANYTHING????
> 
> I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, SORRY IT'S SO LATE
> 
> it is my birthday month so i am dedicating this to all the sag's out there this year is almost over and we will be Ok
> 
> anyways i love these two idiots!!! part of this storyline was me realizing that april is a lot like both rory and paris from gilmore girls and there will be a Breaking Point and whomst better to pick up the pieces? 
> 
> i think this is the end for this but thank u so much for ur kind words and ur love!! fuck netflix y'all are the best!!


End file.
